Teacher Hat vs. Mom Hat

 

          VS






Freddy started Kindergarten on Monday. Though it doesn't show, he was super excited. Today, my thoughts are all over the place. I've got my mom hat and my teacher hat on, and it's driving me crazy.

Let's talk about teaching ... because that's what I know the most about it seems. Teachers dread coming back from the summer. Yes, they love having a routine again, are excited for a new class of excited kids, and to be away from their homes where they have probably binge-watched TV all summer, done spring cleaning, or kept kids alive 2-3 long months. They're excited, renewed (hopefully), and full of "gonnas".

At the beginning of the year, every good teacher knows that routines, procedures, and practice are vital to an effective school year. On top of that, they also have to somehow build a trusting relationship with each kid, help them learn and grow, and make sure they communicate any problems to parents before said problems get bigger.

Okay, that is a very familiar, comfortable hat. I am used to giving that guidance, that critique to students and parents.

Now enters my Mom Hat. Not used to this one staying on all day, and I tell you, it's a struggle sometimes to want to keep that hat on. But before someone knocks me for having a bad attitude, I have already seem numberless blessings and positives to staying at home and being there for your children in the young years.

I was just getting used to the Mom Hat that you wear in the summer...but now I have to adjust to the Mom Hat you wear for nine months of the year. Yep, there are two Mom Hats I've discovered. Let me tell you, that 9-month hat is a little harder to want to wear. And it's only the first week of school. Here is what I have gained so far in my vast experience (3 days) wearing the 9-month Mom hat.

It stinks!

It stinks especially if you have a kid that doesn't fit into the mold of the system. It stinks especially when their school schedule severely limits what you can do with your one kid you still have at home and what you can do collectively with the two of them. You are tied down...big time. I still have to get up like any normal working person does. I still have to look decent (although I totally went to the school today looking like a mom wearing Cameron's attempt at potty training on my shirt). You have to drop everything to follow the school's system schedule and with kids, that's near to impossible to do. Early out? That's a nightmare? Running errands in between an AM class when stores don't open until 10:00....frustration! Fitting naps in? Yeah, not gonna happen. I am sure I'll figure it out. But for now, it's a thorn in my side.

And lastly, everything that your child does reflects on you.  Sure, your child has to be responsible sometime, but not when they're five. That falls on the mom. Always. Teachers rarely blame dads...at least not to their face...because that is the mom's "responsibility".

I'm not gonna lie. Freddy struggles with sitting still. He's FIVE. He also is screen addicted and that plays into why learning activities can't keep his attention. (Yes, I do limit his screen time). But today when I picked him up at school, mind you...still third day....he had already gotten a walk-out with the teacher. You know what I mean....the teacher walks the kid to the car holding the kid's hand. Yeah, one of those.

Now before anyone says anything, this is no reflection on his teacher. I have worked with his kindergarten teacher long enough that I know she's good. She's excellent even and has a tough job. I even consider her a close friend. Maybe that's why this is a little harder to swallow. I go from Collegue/Friend Hat with her to Freddy's Mom Hat. Hard to take. Not that I don't want to know about Freddy...because I do. Just hard to take.

So here is what I've learned in all this hat business, and hopefully I remember these lessons when I return to my Teacher Hat...the moms who really do try and want their kids to succeed really take that feedback personally. I want Freddy to succeed in school more than I want to be a good mom. I want his teacher to reach him like I can't. I want someone to love him despite how naughty he can be.

And here's the Teacher Hat again...it's literally impossible for teachers to do this with all students every day....or even every week.

Here is the big revelation I've had about this whole hat business.

NO ONE is gonna love your kid like you can. No one is going to care how much they succeed like you will. Sure, grandma and auntie will claim they love him as much, but when they are tired and food-deprived and ready to send the boys home and be done, only moms can take over then.

No one can be a better mom to my boys than I can.

And that, my friends, is my two cents about mommying today.

Technology is the Killer of Mom Dreams

Today seems rougher than before. I don't want this blog to turn into a whine fest, so I'll just leave it at that. Today it will just be one of the biggest challenges I have as a mom.

The boys got a playground set from Mimi and Papa and was much needed because we have nothing in the backyard...nothing. Don't judge my grass. I know it's dead. I care more about the doors that won't close correctly in my house more than I care about dead grass. (There are five to be exact that won't close.) Some perspective for you. Papa put the swing set up before we left for Texas, and yesterday was the first time they actually played on it for more than five minutes. It is somewhat of a relief to have something for them to play with in the backyard. Going places has been nice at times, but I'm worn out of going places.

It's a lot of trucking around when you've got babies that don't know how to buckle themselves or even open the car door for that matter. But seriously, after ten minutes of playing, Freddy was bored. Of course Cameron loved it and didn't want to come inside, but that's the difference between my boys. You gotta love that they had no interest in actually swinging, only hanging off of them facing opposite ways.

Freddy is totally content to sit on the couch and watch TV for hours, but by the first hour, Cameron is done. Some parents might think having a child like Freddy is a dream. He sits quietly, watches show after show, but his inability to play really bothers me. I would much rather he be interested in playing in his room for hours, reading books, wanting to dig in the dirt. Everything Cameron loves to do. But instead, if the TV is not on, he is continuously asking me when it's going to be on. I do monitor the time the boys watch TV, but if he earns it through do learning activities, how can I keep it away? He is starting to play better in his room now that I have literally forced him to be in there with a "Don't come out here again" speech.

I don't get it. I used to love to play when I was little. You couldn't keep me inside unless one of my favorite Disney shows were on...but even then, I wasn't obsessed with watching them. I'd rather be swimming, climbing trees, playing with friends, etc, than cooped up inside.

(Probably why I am going a little bonkers) Yes, I know what you're thinking....then get outside and do things. That is harder than it sounds. Packing a bag sufficient for keeping my TV addicted kid interested, a bag of snacks to keep my food-obsessed other little kid happy, and then trucking them around from place to place, only to have them scream and yell and embarrass you in front of strangers you never cared about before until now. One's a terrible two...and the other is still asking when the TV will go on once we get home. See my dilemma? I know it's a different generation of kids, one more addicted to technology than ever before, but it really keeps moms inside and drives us nuts.

Last week when we drove to Texas with my dad, I made the mistake of bringing the TV for him to watch. I mentioned at the beginning of the trip that we would not watch a movie for the 20 hours we were trapped together in that tiny car. No, no, no.

But do you know, Mother Nature was not on my side most of the trip. Instead of wanting to look out the window at the majestic beauty of this earth, Freddy refused and looked down at his feet instead, just to be obstinate. We eventually had to start timing him. Ten minutes of looking out the window at nature for every movie. I know, it was pathetic...and now that mom-guilt is settling in thick. But seriously, I didn't get it. This kid was/is nothing like me. I love looking out the window and seeing the desert landscape....minus a few hours of Texas with nothing but ineffective windmills and oil rigs. Where did I go wrong in my raising Freddy that he is so heavily addicted to technology? I can't keep it away from him.

And the sad thing is, he behaves better when technology is on the line...and that breaks my heart a little bit. Cameron on the other hand could look out the window all day...singing and chatting to himself. He really is a cute little bug.

So I guess what I am saying is, technology really kills the dreams of what you have for your kids. You want them to grow up intelligent, intuitive, creative, full of energy, and driven. For one of my kids, technology sucks the life right out of him, and I will forever have to vigilant that Freddy wins that battle against himself. Any tips are welcome, but realize we do limit the time they spend...but I'm also not a perfect mom.

The Real Mommyhood

Today all of the teachers reported back to school, and this is the first year I will not be joining them. My heart doesn't quite know how to feel about that. Yes, it is great not to have the daily grind of working. Yes, it is a pain to have to deal with certain situations at school. Yes, it is great to be able to make my own schedule. Yes, it is great to be home with my kids. But also...

No, it is not great that we won't have an extra income. No, it is not great that I won't be able to have certain experiences at school. No, it is not great to have much of a schedule. No, it is not great to be home with my kids all day.

There, I said it.

I am really struggling staying home with my kids all day. I feel I am an excellent teacher. I created great lessons, made great connections with students, parents, and other teachers, I felt a purpose day to day. I don't feel that daily or sometimes weekly satisfaction anymore. I wasn't perfect, but I strove to be an excellent teacher.

I am a mediocre mom. There, I said that, too. I yell at my kids...a lot. I spank them more than I want. I let them watch TV and abandon them while they play so I can hide in my room for a few peaceful moments. That might not seem like a thing to most moms, and maybe you do the same thing. But to me, that feels like I am failing at all this. Losing my temper is a frequent occurrence, as well as feeling embarrassed in front of other moms, feeling anxiety over my kid's success...it all feels too much. I've never cared how someone felt about me as a person until they started looking at my children and then back at me. I know most are not judging me, but the few times their judgement is shared, it eats my soul a little.

I know I made the right choice to stay at home, but I have yet to realize why God wanted me to step away from something that brought me so much joy to something that makes me feel so hopeless and vulnerable. Yes, I know your answer is something like...well see, that's why He asked you to do it. Because you need that humility and learning and growth. Yeah, well for today, I could care less about that.

Today all I wanted was to walk into my classroom and prepare it for the next year. I wanted to get my new list of students and imagine what help I could give them throughout the year. Today all I wanted was to be around adults and talk about education.

Because that is what I'm good at. This motherhood gig...it needs some work. So for right now, I am going to wallow, because I feel a huge loss at not being a part of something great. And then tomorrow, I am going to try to find joy in the journey of motherhood.

But not today. Today I'm gonna cry.

This Mommy Loves the Savior

This week has been really great. Vacation throws you off a bit, but I finally feel like I am finding a foothold in Mommyhood. It did help that I had a nice long break. :)

Today's thoughts are about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Yes, I know this is a mommy blog, but I KNOW I wouldn't be where I am without my Savior. I feel this is a debatable topic right now with alot of people, but this is my blog, and I am only here to express how I feel.

I was raised a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Saints, sometimes called the Mormon Church. Growing up in the south was difficult because so many people, including friends I went to school with, thought I wasn't Christian. That was really offensive to me at the time because Jesus Christ is the at the center of my faith. But as I've grown older, I have kind of stopped caring about what others think I think, and I have focused only on how I think.

As a little girl, my parents raised me to be kind to others no matter who they are and what they believe, and I really hope that as a mom, I am instilling all of those same values in my boys. The Savior exemplifies all that a person should be: kind to all, giving, humble, prayerful, thoughtful, prone to serve others instead of self, loving, obedient. I could go on, but really, it was more effective to read and learn when I was self-motivated to find those answers.

But I think about how I was raised, and by no means am I close to being perfect, but I am so much better off because of the teachings of Christ. The other day I was at the park with the boys and there was a group of teens behind me. Every other word out of his mouth was a cussword and in the five minutes I was in line in front of them I heard conversations about discrimination, rape, shooting someone, and a slew of other things I'd rather not mention on a mommy blog. Maybe I am ignorant, or choose to surround myself with good things, but I was shocked to hear teens talk so flippantly about such careless things.

I felt bad for judging them once I had moved away from the situation, but then it got me thinking about how they had even gotten that way. How could someone ever teach their children to be okay talking about such filth? But then I am reminded that everyone is raised differently and who are we to judge someone's journey.

And in that moment, I was so grateful I was taught the Savior's way about kindness, charity, and virtue. Sure, you can teach your children this without having a faith in anything, but how much of it will stick if they do not have a perfect example to follow. Jesus was perfect in all that he did, and although tempted, never succumbed. He is the example we look to when we need to know how to respond to a situation. Even mortal men cannot do that at all times and in all places. We are weak as human beings and I for one would not want to be the person that my children always looked to. They would learn some pretty horrible habits that I constantly work on. But the Savior, He has shown us the way. He is the Light and the Way. He is our brother, our friend, and our Savior and I am so glad my children will always have Him to look to.

I love these words of the Savior.
Doubt not. Fear Not.
For I am the way, the Truth, and the Life.
And in him, we shall have everlasting Life.

Mommies, it is tough out there and we need all the help we can get to help our little ones make it through the storms and trials just waiting for them. I can't close this post off without encouraging those of you that don't know your Savior to begin that process. Get on your knees and pray. Knock and He will open the door to everlasting life, a life that is so incredible, you cannot imagine its wonders.

Life in the ‘Hood

Today's story brought to you by a dear writing friend and dedicated to all my mommy friends :)

Life in the ‘Hood

by Misty Sutton

She sat staring at the door.

You’re going to have to go out there eventually, she told herself.

She stood.

And paced.

She wasn’t sure if she could handle this.

She sat back down.

They’ll be waiting for you. They probably already are, she thought.

You graduated at the top of your class. You could have been like everyone else. Like your roommates and friends. You could have taken a desk job. Could have run for office. You could have been a doctor or a lawyer or started your own company.

Instead you’re here.

With this incredible—she shook her head—responsibility.

She glanced toward the window, the slivers of emerging sunshine beckoning to her from beyond.

You could run. Just slip away and disappear somewhere. In a matter of hours, you could be lying on a beach, a cold drink in one hand and a book in the other. You could just forget everything. Let it all go.

But they’d know. Eventually, they’d find you.

After all, what would they do without you? Everything would fall apart if you weren’t here.

They need you.

She buried her face in her hands. This wasn’t exactly how she’d pictured her life. When she was young, barely a freshman in college, she was determined to save the world. Convinced she had all the solutions. She was brilliant and capable and determined. Back then, she was Super Woman. But now?

Now was different.

Now, most days, she had no idea what she was doing.

And she was terrified that one day they’d all realize it.

Then turn on her for it.

This was so much easier when you were younger, she thought. When you had more energy. More confidence.

When there weren’t so—so darned many of them.

She shook her head, no doubt in her mind that there was already some disaster waiting for her on the other side of that door, some new and increasingly more creative mess that only she could clean up.

How in the world did I ever get myself into this? she thought.

Then knew.

It was him. This was all his fault.

The man who’d suddenly stepped into her life. Charming, and handsome, and vibrant. With those warm brown eyes and irresistibly mischievous grin. While she was still young and naïve, still ripe for the picking, he’d scooped her up and swept her away, determined to make all her dreams come true. Together, they’d save the world, he’d said. Together, they’d make a difference in a place where it was truly mattered.

And there were times, tiny moments, where she thought they had.

But then there were days, like today, that she wasn’t so sure.

Day where she wondered if they’d gotten themselves in over their heads.

But it was too late to go back now. They were all counting on her.

And she knew it.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and glanced at the screen. For a moment, she thought about calling him, telling him she couldn’t handle it. That, just for today, she needed his help. But she knew he was off fighting his own part of the battle, putting out his own fires. She had a part to play, and so did he. If he could fulfill his role in their little ill-conceived partnership, then why couldn’t she?

She took a deep breath.

Okay, you can do this, she thought.

Then stood and headed for the door.

There are days you’re going to fail miserably, she told herself. Days where you feel like you’ve slammed straight into a wall, where you’re convinced you haven’t gotten through to them, even in the slightest, and that they’re all going to end up as reckless deviants, destined to spend the rest of their lives in jail.

But there are going to be days where you see that glimmer in their eyes—where they say something or do something that proves they understood, that they were actually listening—and then all your hard work, all your sacrifices, will be completely worth it. Those are the days where you’ve won. The days where you’ve saved the world, even if only for them, in a way that’s most important.

She reached for the doorknob.

And as for those situations they seem to keep getting themselves into, the ones only you can fix, well… in the grand scheme of things, it can’t possibly be that bad.

After all, they’re only children, she said, then turned the knob.

“Mom!” someone screamed from the other side of the door. “Connor’s got his head stuck in the banister again!”

Oh my gosh, she breathed and bowed her head.

She slowly took her hand off the knob and tried to pretend she hadn’t touched it.

It’s going to be a long summer.

And that's all my mommy friends :) If you want to read more from Misty, she's an amazing writer and I'm currently reading her novel, When Darkness Builds. Check it out! https://books.pronoun.com/when-darkness-builds/

Mommies need to take a vacation

I don't know if you have figured this out by sad experience, but going an a vacation with your children....is not really a vacation. Shocker, right?

Two weeks ago, I flew out to Georgia to be at my best friend's wedding, visit my hometown, and see people and places I love. It was Uuuuuuhhhhmazing! Seriously, I don't think I recall a better vacation. It was kid-free and that helped, but I had so much time to myself. I dug into my roots, got reacquainted with my besties, visited some of my favorite spots, (one may have even involved a playground) and ate amazing food.

I went to church at the one I grew up at and that really was good for my soul, other than a good Brunswick Stew, which I also had.

But all this taught me that taking time to yourself for an extended period of time is so healthy, I don't know why it's not mandated. When I stayed in Thomaston, my hometown, I stayed at an empty furnished apartment BY MYSELF, and I LOVED it! Seriously, I could have stayed there the entire time, but then I wouldn't have ridden fourwheelers with fireflies, or went swimming or hiked up Stone Mountain in the dead-hot of a Georgia summer with my bestie and her kids. Really, I was truly blessed the whole trip.

And then...the best moment upon returning was when my boys were waiting for me at the airport and they literally ran and cried because they were so happy to see me. Yes, mommy vacations are essential for keeping things in perspective and for helping your kids realize that they do actually love you and miss you when you are gone.

Mommy out!

Mommyhood is Tiring

Um yeah, I am too tired to post much. Mommyhood is tiring. I think it was easier to manage my 25 students than it is to  manage two kids under the age of six. I have had moments of peace and happiness with the boys, but more often than not, I am stressed, tired, and surprisingly, hungry. Mommyhood makes me hungry. Do you know that when you work at a job, not only do you get to eat for a block of time, but you also get to finish your whole meal BY YOURSELF? Doesn't happen with kids. I save my really good snacks for during nap time....but then I feel like a closet eater.

This past week has been rough, and I am really not looking for ward to this week without daddy. He's on a business trip in New York and all day, every day, it's just me and the boys. Props to all the mommies that are amazing and smiling through their mommyhood. Not happening over here.

*Waves white flag*