Today all of the teachers reported back to school, and this is the first year I will not be joining them. My heart doesn't quite know how to feel about that. Yes, it is great not to have the daily grind of working. Yes, it is a pain to have to deal with certain situations at school. Yes, it is great to be able to make my own schedule. Yes, it is great to be home with my kids. But also...
No, it is not great that we won't have an extra income. No, it is not great that I won't be able to have certain experiences at school. No, it is not great to have much of a schedule. No, it is not great to be home with my kids all day.
There, I said it.
I am really struggling staying home with my kids all day. I feel I am an excellent teacher. I created great lessons, made great connections with students, parents, and other teachers, I felt a purpose day to day. I don't feel that daily or sometimes weekly satisfaction anymore. I wasn't perfect, but I strove to be an excellent teacher.
I am a mediocre mom. There, I said that, too. I yell at my kids...a lot. I spank them more than I want. I let them watch TV and abandon them while they play so I can hide in my room for a few peaceful moments. That might not seem like a thing to most moms, and maybe you do the same thing. But to me, that feels like I am failing at all this. Losing my temper is a frequent occurrence, as well as feeling embarrassed in front of other moms, feeling anxiety over my kid's success...it all feels too much. I've never cared how someone felt about me as a person until they started looking at my children and then back at me. I know most are not judging me, but the few times their judgement is shared, it eats my soul a little.
I know I made the right choice to stay at home, but I have yet to realize why God wanted me to step away from something that brought me so much joy to something that makes me feel so hopeless and vulnerable. Yes, I know your answer is something like...well see, that's why He asked you to do it. Because you need that humility and learning and growth. Yeah, well for today, I could care less about that.
Today all I wanted was to walk into my classroom and prepare it for the next year. I wanted to get my new list of students and imagine what help I could give them throughout the year. Today all I wanted was to be around adults and talk about education.
Because that is what I'm good at. This motherhood gig...it needs some work. So for right now, I am going to wallow, because I feel a huge loss at not being a part of something great. And then tomorrow, I am going to try to find joy in the journey of motherhood.
But not today. Today I'm gonna cry.
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You are definitely not alone in this. I can sympathize on so many levels. I feel like a very inadequate mom...like I'm barely scraping by some days. I think when you are stuck at home ALL day EVERY day, you start to lose an identity outside of "mom". It's depressing. It makes you feel like a slave. I love my kids to the moon and back, but that doesn't mean I'm perfect or don't have days where I just want to be the one served instead of tirelessly and often thanklessly, serving. It needs to be said. I think moms forget (myself included) that they are allowed to have days where they just want a break...or a minute to complain.
ReplyDelete<3
DeleteI feel much the same way. Especially the part about forgetting who we are outside of mommyhood.
ReplyDeleteJenny, we should trade days/times with the kids sometimes so that we can each spend time doing something we love outside of being a mom.
I totally agree and would be up for that!
DeleteI totally get this feeling, I think we all do sometimes. And wallowing is totally legit. :) But I hope that as this hard day passes you will come to realize a few things:
ReplyDeleteYou are working. It's different work, and you're not getting paid in money, but it is working too, and it can be rewarding.
You don't have to always stay home. I hope you find lots of like minded people to hang with. It makes such a difference.
But most of all, you ARE part of something great. It's your kids and their education. You get to be their teacher now. It's not the same, but it can be even more awesome.
Also, get yourself a chocolate stash. :) You can do it!
Mmmm chocolate
DeleteI think the hardest thing about being a stay-at-home mom is that IT. DOESN'T. END. EVER. No one thanks you, no one praises you for keeping it all together, no one recognizes that you sacrificed your time making meals, or cleaning up, or just for BEING THERE. It's an emotionally exhausting, draining, disappointing experience a lot of times. But then, you are able to BE THERE for them. You are the most amazing person ever to them, even if you don't feel like you are. The patience will come. Unfortunately, it comes after a lot of failing, but if it's something you want, it will eventually come. I used to yell a LOT. I still do sometimes, but I've calmed down a lot over the years. It's a ROUGH transition, trying to figure out HOW to stay home all day long without really a plan of what to do. Lots of prayers and effort, and trying to see my kids with new eyes helped me. You can do this!!! Some days are absolute crap, but then you'll get an easy day, and you'll be able to breathe easier, and will have the strength to go on again.
ReplyDelete<3
DeleteOkay to have such feelings to a point. I have daughters who have not been able to have children. Don't forget to appreciate the gift. You might not have any kids to be home with.
ReplyDeleteGood thing to point out
DeleteYou are NOT alone.
ReplyDelete