Conquering Fears in Mommyhood

Today was such a cool mom day. I hesitate to say that because shouldn't every day be a cool mom day? But in reality, for me, it's not. I am still learning how to appreciate the small moments when they happen.

But today one really cool moment happened that brought me to tears, for my son and for myself. So many wonderful things flashed before my eyes as we were in the moment, and it was so epic I have to write it down before I forget.

A year ago, Freddy had a traumatic almost-drowning accident, and it really scared me. Ever since then, I've been pushing so hard to get him to swim without floaties because I'm terrified something might happen again.

But he's been scared.  Like pee-in-his-pants and grip-me-so-hard-he-leaves marks scared. We've butted heads a lot over swimming without floaties because my fear got in the way of taking it slow and making sure he learned the right way.

But this summer, I was determined to make sure he knew how to swim before we left Mimi's. The first day on vacation, I started off gung-ho, not wanting you to have floaties at all. That was the wrong approach. He kicked and screamed, and actually made Cameron scared to swim at all. I was frustrated, he hated me, and overall...it did not create a peaceful feeling. I was at a loss of what to do. I couldn't get him to practice if he was scared.

I decided to take a lesson from Mimi on this. When I was learning how to swim, she would release the air from my floaties a little at a time to teach me confidence and one day they just fell off.

So I stopped worrying and just let him wear the floaties. He swam so well that day that at the end, I let out some air...just a little. I even told him, which I still don't know if I should have because it freaked him out. But it was also a good opportunity to build his confidence. I only told him after he swam with them for a bit.

So, I've been doing that for a few days, letting air out and building his confidence. He doesn't like it, but he finally doesn't kick and scream when he finds out. We've also been doing small little lessons with his floaties on, like jumping off the side of the pool, or dunking his head under water. Each time it was a small fight to get him to do it, and his fear was still so high for a few minutes. But after he calmed down and tried it out the rest of the day, he left the pool happy and confident.

By the second week, the floaties were so deflated he could put them on himself. He was swimming better and better and after two weeks of practice, so I told papa to throw him in without his floaties on. We only told him the plan a few minutes before it happened, and he was picked up and thrown before he could even think about it. I was right there in the pool just in case something happened, but he popped right up and swam to the edge. After the initial freak out, he decided it wasn't horrible.

Then after two throws, I told him he could put his floaties back on. One was falling off, so we decided to just wear the other one. And after about thirty minutes, he decided to take them off and swim without them completely. You should have seen how his attitude flipped. Instead of being scared out of his wits, he turned into this dare devil, and I had to start watching him a bit more closer in the pool just in case he took too many risks.

But that was a really happy feeling.

He jumped off the edge without floaties a dozen times, then started doing cannonballs and spin twists. It was like someone inflamed in his body with adrenaline and he became unstoppable. It was one of the coolest mom moments I've had. I was filled with so much pride for him and what he learned how to do.

And really, that's a life lesson for all things. When something is hard, you gradually wean yourself into it, keep swimming, and then take a big risk when it's time. Then you are filled with bravery and confidence, and after that moment, you feel unstoppable.

I wonder if we stop taking risks as a result because we've "drowned" or had rejections of some type. Is Freddy an amazing swimmer? No, and in fact I watch him more because he has less support. But his happiness of success is driving him onward and conquering his fear.

I just wonder, if we took an inventory of our lives and wrote down all of our fears or all the things we wished we could accomplish...and then go through the steps of conquering them, where would we end up. I naturally think of publishing a book because that has been a big accomplishment I have made in the last few years. Am I a perfect writer? Heck no! Does that stop me from continuing to get better. NO!

I published a book last summer for the first time, Playground Treasures. It was a wild success for me. It got in the hands of lots of kids and adults who it touched. But it would be so ignorant of me to say...that's it. I'm an author. I'm big. I'm bad.

No, no, no. This year I attended three different conferences, went to a couple of classrooms to share writing tips with kids, and I wrote and edited four more books. Since publishing for the first time, I have learned so much and would probably rewrite the whole book differently. But I'm not going to. Probably.

I've published another novel so far this year with plans for at least two more. The more I publish, the more it becomes easier to me. I have this goal to be traditionally published with a fairly popular Utah publisher, but it hasn't happened yet...mostly because I don't have the patience to wait. But it is a goal of mine to eventually publish with this company. I just know my quality isn't quite there. But it will be. So I am working toward that goal.

Sadly, I think we put up these guardrails around our lives that prevent us from accomplishing more than we ever dreamed we could. But we have to stop, and set those goals. Then work like the dickens to accomplish them. And one thing I've learned, if you are trying to do it alone, you will be paddling for much longer. I know that God has supported me in my dreams, and that many people have been put in my path to help me along the way. There are still many more dreams and goals and fears to overcome, but I loved this one lesson I learned today.

Let's jump in...or have someone throw us in. Let's be uncomfortable and kick and scream for a while until the water is fine again. Then we will know we can do it. And we can do it again.

Look for the Small Moments

In one of my favorite writing units I used to teach, Lucy Caulkins encouraged students to write small, defining moments, rather than travel logs or journal entries. It's really a very artistic approach to teaching kids to write personal narratives and could talk all day about this curriculum. But I digress. When I look at other mommy profiles and blogs, they seem to only share the big happenings in their families, trips to the zoo, trips to the movies, or even trip to Disneyland. We seem to only see the best snapshots of their mommy career.

But you're not fooling us.

We know that mommyhood is not for the weak of heart and we know it's not all butterflies and happiness either. No, it's more like we're fighting together through the war trenches, scrambling to make it out alive each, calling upon our sister to know they're okay while they scrape away at whatever demons keep them from making it out. Dramatic, but helpful in describing the life of a mom.

My writing lessons with Lucy Caulkins has really helped me keep things in perspective as I roll along my own mommyhood adventures. Instead of looking for the big watermelon events to happen, I am looking for the small, seed moments that show growth and strength. I am looking for the small seed stories rather than the big, watermelon events that I assumed happened all the time.

I've started to follow a few women that have started doing this in their posts or blogs because I think observing others daily triumphs gives us real expectations of what the day to day trudge could be, if we only have the right attitude.

Yesterday was a good example of how I tried to find those small seed moments. Let me give you a snapshot of the day.

Nothing extraordinary happened. Freddy went to school, I went to the gym with Cameron and worked out, we went home and he watched TV while I pretended to write on my Nanowrimo project, while really stalking people on Facebook. Good times, right? No. Just ordinary. We picked up Freddy, ate lunch, the boys had naps, I continued to pretend to write, and Fred came home. No magic. No special seed moments worth writing about.

And then dinner happened. We had chicken noodle soup with Grandma noodles (they're in the freezer section by the rolls). It was uhmazing and Fred even found a sparkling grape juice at the store and we tried it out. (They don't sell the brand I've always loved in Georgia, and he found the best one we've had so far.) We talked about being grateful and wrote some things down on small slips of paper and put them in the Gratitude jar we started for Turkey month. Still nothing special. We watched A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and gave the kids one piece of Halloween candy, cause we're evil and make it last the WHOLE year. Freddy and Cameron died laughing when Snoopy had a battle with one of the chairs. We even caught their mirthful laughter on video.

Still nothing amazing has happened. Now it's time for bed and it's chaotic as we bathe the kids and send them off to sleep, which they don't...for like an hour. And we fit in a show of Supernatural/Cheers which is how Fred and I unwind. See, we live very extraordinary lives. Nothing worth of mentioning. Nothing Facebook worthy.

But yet, I would take these days over the many ups and downs life seems to offer, and on a regular basis too. Can you imagine being up, up, up all the time, or even worse, down, down, down? Let's be honest we've had months or even years of one or the other with only sprinkles of regular days. But thank goodness when we can have these slow down times, where we enjoy a  regular day together, enjoy good food, laughter, and smiles. Makes it worth it, and it makes those regular days much more important.

So let's find the small seed stories that are happening that could bring fulfillment to the daily drudgery of running errands, carpooling kids back and forth, work woes, and family-speed-up-or-die moments. Slowing down and watching for these small moments will bring much more happiness. And for goodness sake, (talking mostly to myself) your story is going to be different, so stop looking for yours to match someone else's. Be happy that you are able to create your own.

Service Makes a Mommy Happy

Do you know one of the coolest things I have learned from staying at home? I have a lot more time to do the things I never had time for. That would seem obvious, right? But it's not how much time I had but how I have learned to use my time that is the key.

Mommies give a lot of their selves during the week. They give some of the best brain power to some of the littlest human beings earth has to offer. They also give their hands to hold, and lift, and clean, and wipe, their legs to act as a chair, a rocking horse, or any other moving creature you can think of, their voices, their hearts, their minds. We give a lot. Essentially we are serving those closest to us 24-7.

Wait, what? I love service. It buoys me up, makes me feel good, and leaves me wanting more. But, hold on. I don't feel like that every day? In fact, I feel the opposite. I feel drained, tired, annoyed sweaty, hangry, nauseous, angry even.

Not so this week. I'll try to pinpoint the exact moment as I write it, but I doubt I still understand, other than the fact that I involved my kids in serving others as well. Sorry for the journal monologue, but see if you can see a pattern...

On Monday, I babysat a friend's kid so she could go work out. Cameron got a play date...and I cleaned my house while they played.
Tuesday, I went on fieldwork with Freddy and we went on a hike. I took two other kids and Freddy. They had a blast and so did I. Cameron got to play to play with more friends while I was gone. Win, win.I also text Fred and told him not to school and we should get donuts instead. He gratefully ditched and we got 6 yummy donuts for under two bucks! (Love T-mobile Tuesday) Later that night, I taught my Self-reliance class and got to get in amazing conversation with adults. I miss that.
Wednesday I picked up a friend's kid at school. She was having a baby and brought her home and she's Freddy's "crush" in school. Another win. After naps, the boys and I walked to the park and played...beautiful day!
Thursday I signed up for childcare at the gym so I can actually go to the gym. :) Then I went to a church playgroup, ran a friend's kid to school so she could take her aunt to the airport, and we visited with family and ate dinner with aunts and grandparents. Grandparents are really grand and make life so rich!
And lastly, today, Friday, I started the day with teaching. I have signed up to tutor Chinese students at home. We meet for an hour and I attempt to teach them English. It's amazing and fun and hard. But I love teaching such respectful students. 6 AM teaching too! Then, I went to the school I taught at for nine years and volunteered in Freddy's class. I helped eight students learn more about reading, and interacted with adults! Win, win!
Tonight Fred and I are eating with family and then going to Thriller, a dance performance, and I LOVE dancing. It's gonna be awesome. And bonus, grandparents are keeping the kids so we can pretend we are just the two of us...just for the night. Did I mention grandparents are grand??
Saturday and Saturday we will attend General Conference, which is a broadcast from our church showing apostles and prophets speaking about principles of the gospel that will lead us closer to God. And that is always a really uplifting and moving experience. And of course we'll have good food with family, go for walks, and take naps, and then do all this all over starting Monday.

If you have stuck through this long expose, you'll know nothing extraordinary happened. But yet, this week has been one of the best of my full-time mommyhood. I feel balanced. I kind of went to the gym, kind of taught, kind of mommied, kind of adulted, kind of had a date, and kind of spiritually fed myself. Each night I allowed time to write and market. Each night I spent time with just Fred.

I guess instead of service, you would think a balanced life is what one needs to feel fulfilled, but I know that's not really it. As I have written this, I still know it's service. Doing things for others with no expectation in return in really what has made the difference this week. I love serving others. It feels a hole in my life I can't fill just by myself. It really helped me forget about myself and look outwardly. Those are so many people that need us. So many, and if we are constantly aware of others, we do not have time to be angry or sad or disappointed with what's not happening with us. Because every moment feels important. That service I gave to a friend to drive a friend's child to school or babysit for a mom so she could go exercise, or even when I read with a child is priceless and cannot be bought.

Have you made time in your day to serve? Have you looked around lately and thought of what little thing you could do? Stop saying no to people who ask you to give of yourself in a way you know you could. You can do it! And you won't be disappointing. The results of service is amazing. <3

Wait, What? Failure Means I'm Winning?

Can I share a few thoughts about failure? Here's some Failure 411, taken from thoughts from Wendy Ulrich and Emily Watt's presentations. 

Failure seems like such a bad word, or it did until last week. At the conference I attended, I learned a lot about failure. So much in fact, that failure no longer has the same connotation in my head. Failure is something I'm actually looking forward to.

But I hadn't. In fact, failure in motherhood made me about ready to throw in the towel. Like for reals. I went a little crazy and I'm sure Fred was pulling out his vows and questioning his sanity. I just couldn't seem to find the happy in motherhood....because it's not there. Like, literally. Reread the word motherhood and I can guarantee  the word happy is not there. But luckily, neither is failure. But really, it should be there too.

Okay, enough yapping. let me share with you what I learned about failure.

First let's talk about confidence. Because usually people that have a healthy dose of confidence also have a healthy dose of successes and failures. I am going to try to apply this in my goals to become a good mom, but of course apply it to whatever skill you are lacking.

Confidence will increase when we have these four things:
1- A plan:  What is one step you can take toward that goal? What are your deepest values and intentions?
2- A learning mindset: Skills increase our confidence. We don't get those skills unless we fail...A LOT. Practicing failure is more important than practicing perfect.

MAYBE I'M NOT FAILING! MAYBE I"M JUST LEARNING.

3- Anxiety Acceptance: Anxiety is a normal emotion. You just have to decided that anxiety is no big deal. It happens and it is okay. And fun fact, those with anxiety usually perform at a higher rate than those that have no worries at all. 
4- Trust in God and ourselves
Above all voices in our head, His is the only one that tells the truth. 

So you mean all the bad days I've had since becoming a full time mom have not been a total waste of time? You mean that in those horrible moments where I felt my motherhood should be stripped from me forcibly that I was actually on the right track toward becoming a better mommy? 

Why yes, Jenny. That's exactly what I'm saying. 

So you're saying is all I have to do is try and that I shouldn't be afraid of failing because it's gonna happen anyway. And if I am doing motherhood right, I will fail a lot.

Yes, Jenny. That's what I'm saying.

Thanks, voice inside my head. Phew, do I feel relieved. Now seriously, do you think Heavenly Father would send us out here with all these tools and then watch as we fall over and over again. Nope. That's not how He is. He is the kindest, most loving Father you can imagine, and even though he might wince when we make certain decisions, He has allowed ways to grow from our experiences, blessing us with more time and more opportunities to practice those skills....until we are confident in that one thing. And then WATCH OUT, here comes another wrench he needs us to become confident in. But hey, now we know. Know we know it's all part of the refining fire that we hate and love so much. But here's the good news. You can now look forward to the next time you fell because it means you are on your path toward perfection.