Conquering Fears in Mommyhood

Today was such a cool mom day. I hesitate to say that because shouldn't every day be a cool mom day? But in reality, for me, it's not. I am still learning how to appreciate the small moments when they happen.

But today one really cool moment happened that brought me to tears, for my son and for myself. So many wonderful things flashed before my eyes as we were in the moment, and it was so epic I have to write it down before I forget.

A year ago, Freddy had a traumatic almost-drowning accident, and it really scared me. Ever since then, I've been pushing so hard to get him to swim without floaties because I'm terrified something might happen again.

But he's been scared.  Like pee-in-his-pants and grip-me-so-hard-he-leaves marks scared. We've butted heads a lot over swimming without floaties because my fear got in the way of taking it slow and making sure he learned the right way.

But this summer, I was determined to make sure he knew how to swim before we left Mimi's. The first day on vacation, I started off gung-ho, not wanting you to have floaties at all. That was the wrong approach. He kicked and screamed, and actually made Cameron scared to swim at all. I was frustrated, he hated me, and overall...it did not create a peaceful feeling. I was at a loss of what to do. I couldn't get him to practice if he was scared.

I decided to take a lesson from Mimi on this. When I was learning how to swim, she would release the air from my floaties a little at a time to teach me confidence and one day they just fell off.

So I stopped worrying and just let him wear the floaties. He swam so well that day that at the end, I let out some air...just a little. I even told him, which I still don't know if I should have because it freaked him out. But it was also a good opportunity to build his confidence. I only told him after he swam with them for a bit.

So, I've been doing that for a few days, letting air out and building his confidence. He doesn't like it, but he finally doesn't kick and scream when he finds out. We've also been doing small little lessons with his floaties on, like jumping off the side of the pool, or dunking his head under water. Each time it was a small fight to get him to do it, and his fear was still so high for a few minutes. But after he calmed down and tried it out the rest of the day, he left the pool happy and confident.

By the second week, the floaties were so deflated he could put them on himself. He was swimming better and better and after two weeks of practice, so I told papa to throw him in without his floaties on. We only told him the plan a few minutes before it happened, and he was picked up and thrown before he could even think about it. I was right there in the pool just in case something happened, but he popped right up and swam to the edge. After the initial freak out, he decided it wasn't horrible.

Then after two throws, I told him he could put his floaties back on. One was falling off, so we decided to just wear the other one. And after about thirty minutes, he decided to take them off and swim without them completely. You should have seen how his attitude flipped. Instead of being scared out of his wits, he turned into this dare devil, and I had to start watching him a bit more closer in the pool just in case he took too many risks.

But that was a really happy feeling.

He jumped off the edge without floaties a dozen times, then started doing cannonballs and spin twists. It was like someone inflamed in his body with adrenaline and he became unstoppable. It was one of the coolest mom moments I've had. I was filled with so much pride for him and what he learned how to do.

And really, that's a life lesson for all things. When something is hard, you gradually wean yourself into it, keep swimming, and then take a big risk when it's time. Then you are filled with bravery and confidence, and after that moment, you feel unstoppable.

I wonder if we stop taking risks as a result because we've "drowned" or had rejections of some type. Is Freddy an amazing swimmer? No, and in fact I watch him more because he has less support. But his happiness of success is driving him onward and conquering his fear.

I just wonder, if we took an inventory of our lives and wrote down all of our fears or all the things we wished we could accomplish...and then go through the steps of conquering them, where would we end up. I naturally think of publishing a book because that has been a big accomplishment I have made in the last few years. Am I a perfect writer? Heck no! Does that stop me from continuing to get better. NO!

I published a book last summer for the first time, Playground Treasures. It was a wild success for me. It got in the hands of lots of kids and adults who it touched. But it would be so ignorant of me to say...that's it. I'm an author. I'm big. I'm bad.

No, no, no. This year I attended three different conferences, went to a couple of classrooms to share writing tips with kids, and I wrote and edited four more books. Since publishing for the first time, I have learned so much and would probably rewrite the whole book differently. But I'm not going to. Probably.

I've published another novel so far this year with plans for at least two more. The more I publish, the more it becomes easier to me. I have this goal to be traditionally published with a fairly popular Utah publisher, but it hasn't happened yet...mostly because I don't have the patience to wait. But it is a goal of mine to eventually publish with this company. I just know my quality isn't quite there. But it will be. So I am working toward that goal.

Sadly, I think we put up these guardrails around our lives that prevent us from accomplishing more than we ever dreamed we could. But we have to stop, and set those goals. Then work like the dickens to accomplish them. And one thing I've learned, if you are trying to do it alone, you will be paddling for much longer. I know that God has supported me in my dreams, and that many people have been put in my path to help me along the way. There are still many more dreams and goals and fears to overcome, but I loved this one lesson I learned today.

Let's jump in...or have someone throw us in. Let's be uncomfortable and kick and scream for a while until the water is fine again. Then we will know we can do it. And we can do it again.

Wait, What? Failure Means I'm Winning?

Can I share a few thoughts about failure? Here's some Failure 411, taken from thoughts from Wendy Ulrich and Emily Watt's presentations. 

Failure seems like such a bad word, or it did until last week. At the conference I attended, I learned a lot about failure. So much in fact, that failure no longer has the same connotation in my head. Failure is something I'm actually looking forward to.

But I hadn't. In fact, failure in motherhood made me about ready to throw in the towel. Like for reals. I went a little crazy and I'm sure Fred was pulling out his vows and questioning his sanity. I just couldn't seem to find the happy in motherhood....because it's not there. Like, literally. Reread the word motherhood and I can guarantee  the word happy is not there. But luckily, neither is failure. But really, it should be there too.

Okay, enough yapping. let me share with you what I learned about failure.

First let's talk about confidence. Because usually people that have a healthy dose of confidence also have a healthy dose of successes and failures. I am going to try to apply this in my goals to become a good mom, but of course apply it to whatever skill you are lacking.

Confidence will increase when we have these four things:
1- A plan:  What is one step you can take toward that goal? What are your deepest values and intentions?
2- A learning mindset: Skills increase our confidence. We don't get those skills unless we fail...A LOT. Practicing failure is more important than practicing perfect.

MAYBE I'M NOT FAILING! MAYBE I"M JUST LEARNING.

3- Anxiety Acceptance: Anxiety is a normal emotion. You just have to decided that anxiety is no big deal. It happens and it is okay. And fun fact, those with anxiety usually perform at a higher rate than those that have no worries at all. 
4- Trust in God and ourselves
Above all voices in our head, His is the only one that tells the truth. 

So you mean all the bad days I've had since becoming a full time mom have not been a total waste of time? You mean that in those horrible moments where I felt my motherhood should be stripped from me forcibly that I was actually on the right track toward becoming a better mommy? 

Why yes, Jenny. That's exactly what I'm saying. 

So you're saying is all I have to do is try and that I shouldn't be afraid of failing because it's gonna happen anyway. And if I am doing motherhood right, I will fail a lot.

Yes, Jenny. That's what I'm saying.

Thanks, voice inside my head. Phew, do I feel relieved. Now seriously, do you think Heavenly Father would send us out here with all these tools and then watch as we fall over and over again. Nope. That's not how He is. He is the kindest, most loving Father you can imagine, and even though he might wince when we make certain decisions, He has allowed ways to grow from our experiences, blessing us with more time and more opportunities to practice those skills....until we are confident in that one thing. And then WATCH OUT, here comes another wrench he needs us to become confident in. But hey, now we know. Know we know it's all part of the refining fire that we hate and love so much. But here's the good news. You can now look forward to the next time you fell because it means you are on your path toward perfection.