Teacher Hat vs. Mom Hat

 

          VS






Freddy started Kindergarten on Monday. Though it doesn't show, he was super excited. Today, my thoughts are all over the place. I've got my mom hat and my teacher hat on, and it's driving me crazy.

Let's talk about teaching ... because that's what I know the most about it seems. Teachers dread coming back from the summer. Yes, they love having a routine again, are excited for a new class of excited kids, and to be away from their homes where they have probably binge-watched TV all summer, done spring cleaning, or kept kids alive 2-3 long months. They're excited, renewed (hopefully), and full of "gonnas".

At the beginning of the year, every good teacher knows that routines, procedures, and practice are vital to an effective school year. On top of that, they also have to somehow build a trusting relationship with each kid, help them learn and grow, and make sure they communicate any problems to parents before said problems get bigger.

Okay, that is a very familiar, comfortable hat. I am used to giving that guidance, that critique to students and parents.

Now enters my Mom Hat. Not used to this one staying on all day, and I tell you, it's a struggle sometimes to want to keep that hat on. But before someone knocks me for having a bad attitude, I have already seem numberless blessings and positives to staying at home and being there for your children in the young years.

I was just getting used to the Mom Hat that you wear in the summer...but now I have to adjust to the Mom Hat you wear for nine months of the year. Yep, there are two Mom Hats I've discovered. Let me tell you, that 9-month hat is a little harder to want to wear. And it's only the first week of school. Here is what I have gained so far in my vast experience (3 days) wearing the 9-month Mom hat.

It stinks!

It stinks especially if you have a kid that doesn't fit into the mold of the system. It stinks especially when their school schedule severely limits what you can do with your one kid you still have at home and what you can do collectively with the two of them. You are tied down...big time. I still have to get up like any normal working person does. I still have to look decent (although I totally went to the school today looking like a mom wearing Cameron's attempt at potty training on my shirt). You have to drop everything to follow the school's system schedule and with kids, that's near to impossible to do. Early out? That's a nightmare? Running errands in between an AM class when stores don't open until 10:00....frustration! Fitting naps in? Yeah, not gonna happen. I am sure I'll figure it out. But for now, it's a thorn in my side.

And lastly, everything that your child does reflects on you.  Sure, your child has to be responsible sometime, but not when they're five. That falls on the mom. Always. Teachers rarely blame dads...at least not to their face...because that is the mom's "responsibility".

I'm not gonna lie. Freddy struggles with sitting still. He's FIVE. He also is screen addicted and that plays into why learning activities can't keep his attention. (Yes, I do limit his screen time). But today when I picked him up at school, mind you...still third day....he had already gotten a walk-out with the teacher. You know what I mean....the teacher walks the kid to the car holding the kid's hand. Yeah, one of those.

Now before anyone says anything, this is no reflection on his teacher. I have worked with his kindergarten teacher long enough that I know she's good. She's excellent even and has a tough job. I even consider her a close friend. Maybe that's why this is a little harder to swallow. I go from Collegue/Friend Hat with her to Freddy's Mom Hat. Hard to take. Not that I don't want to know about Freddy...because I do. Just hard to take.

So here is what I've learned in all this hat business, and hopefully I remember these lessons when I return to my Teacher Hat...the moms who really do try and want their kids to succeed really take that feedback personally. I want Freddy to succeed in school more than I want to be a good mom. I want his teacher to reach him like I can't. I want someone to love him despite how naughty he can be.

And here's the Teacher Hat again...it's literally impossible for teachers to do this with all students every day....or even every week.

Here is the big revelation I've had about this whole hat business.

NO ONE is gonna love your kid like you can. No one is going to care how much they succeed like you will. Sure, grandma and auntie will claim they love him as much, but when they are tired and food-deprived and ready to send the boys home and be done, only moms can take over then.

No one can be a better mom to my boys than I can.

And that, my friends, is my two cents about mommying today.

Technology is the Killer of Mom Dreams

Today seems rougher than before. I don't want this blog to turn into a whine fest, so I'll just leave it at that. Today it will just be one of the biggest challenges I have as a mom.

The boys got a playground set from Mimi and Papa and was much needed because we have nothing in the backyard...nothing. Don't judge my grass. I know it's dead. I care more about the doors that won't close correctly in my house more than I care about dead grass. (There are five to be exact that won't close.) Some perspective for you. Papa put the swing set up before we left for Texas, and yesterday was the first time they actually played on it for more than five minutes. It is somewhat of a relief to have something for them to play with in the backyard. Going places has been nice at times, but I'm worn out of going places.

It's a lot of trucking around when you've got babies that don't know how to buckle themselves or even open the car door for that matter. But seriously, after ten minutes of playing, Freddy was bored. Of course Cameron loved it and didn't want to come inside, but that's the difference between my boys. You gotta love that they had no interest in actually swinging, only hanging off of them facing opposite ways.

Freddy is totally content to sit on the couch and watch TV for hours, but by the first hour, Cameron is done. Some parents might think having a child like Freddy is a dream. He sits quietly, watches show after show, but his inability to play really bothers me. I would much rather he be interested in playing in his room for hours, reading books, wanting to dig in the dirt. Everything Cameron loves to do. But instead, if the TV is not on, he is continuously asking me when it's going to be on. I do monitor the time the boys watch TV, but if he earns it through do learning activities, how can I keep it away? He is starting to play better in his room now that I have literally forced him to be in there with a "Don't come out here again" speech.

I don't get it. I used to love to play when I was little. You couldn't keep me inside unless one of my favorite Disney shows were on...but even then, I wasn't obsessed with watching them. I'd rather be swimming, climbing trees, playing with friends, etc, than cooped up inside.

(Probably why I am going a little bonkers) Yes, I know what you're thinking....then get outside and do things. That is harder than it sounds. Packing a bag sufficient for keeping my TV addicted kid interested, a bag of snacks to keep my food-obsessed other little kid happy, and then trucking them around from place to place, only to have them scream and yell and embarrass you in front of strangers you never cared about before until now. One's a terrible two...and the other is still asking when the TV will go on once we get home. See my dilemma? I know it's a different generation of kids, one more addicted to technology than ever before, but it really keeps moms inside and drives us nuts.

Last week when we drove to Texas with my dad, I made the mistake of bringing the TV for him to watch. I mentioned at the beginning of the trip that we would not watch a movie for the 20 hours we were trapped together in that tiny car. No, no, no.

But do you know, Mother Nature was not on my side most of the trip. Instead of wanting to look out the window at the majestic beauty of this earth, Freddy refused and looked down at his feet instead, just to be obstinate. We eventually had to start timing him. Ten minutes of looking out the window at nature for every movie. I know, it was pathetic...and now that mom-guilt is settling in thick. But seriously, I didn't get it. This kid was/is nothing like me. I love looking out the window and seeing the desert landscape....minus a few hours of Texas with nothing but ineffective windmills and oil rigs. Where did I go wrong in my raising Freddy that he is so heavily addicted to technology? I can't keep it away from him.

And the sad thing is, he behaves better when technology is on the line...and that breaks my heart a little bit. Cameron on the other hand could look out the window all day...singing and chatting to himself. He really is a cute little bug.

So I guess what I am saying is, technology really kills the dreams of what you have for your kids. You want them to grow up intelligent, intuitive, creative, full of energy, and driven. For one of my kids, technology sucks the life right out of him, and I will forever have to vigilant that Freddy wins that battle against himself. Any tips are welcome, but realize we do limit the time they spend...but I'm also not a perfect mom.

The Real Mommyhood

Today all of the teachers reported back to school, and this is the first year I will not be joining them. My heart doesn't quite know how to feel about that. Yes, it is great not to have the daily grind of working. Yes, it is a pain to have to deal with certain situations at school. Yes, it is great to be able to make my own schedule. Yes, it is great to be home with my kids. But also...

No, it is not great that we won't have an extra income. No, it is not great that I won't be able to have certain experiences at school. No, it is not great to have much of a schedule. No, it is not great to be home with my kids all day.

There, I said it.

I am really struggling staying home with my kids all day. I feel I am an excellent teacher. I created great lessons, made great connections with students, parents, and other teachers, I felt a purpose day to day. I don't feel that daily or sometimes weekly satisfaction anymore. I wasn't perfect, but I strove to be an excellent teacher.

I am a mediocre mom. There, I said that, too. I yell at my kids...a lot. I spank them more than I want. I let them watch TV and abandon them while they play so I can hide in my room for a few peaceful moments. That might not seem like a thing to most moms, and maybe you do the same thing. But to me, that feels like I am failing at all this. Losing my temper is a frequent occurrence, as well as feeling embarrassed in front of other moms, feeling anxiety over my kid's success...it all feels too much. I've never cared how someone felt about me as a person until they started looking at my children and then back at me. I know most are not judging me, but the few times their judgement is shared, it eats my soul a little.

I know I made the right choice to stay at home, but I have yet to realize why God wanted me to step away from something that brought me so much joy to something that makes me feel so hopeless and vulnerable. Yes, I know your answer is something like...well see, that's why He asked you to do it. Because you need that humility and learning and growth. Yeah, well for today, I could care less about that.

Today all I wanted was to walk into my classroom and prepare it for the next year. I wanted to get my new list of students and imagine what help I could give them throughout the year. Today all I wanted was to be around adults and talk about education.

Because that is what I'm good at. This motherhood gig...it needs some work. So for right now, I am going to wallow, because I feel a huge loss at not being a part of something great. And then tomorrow, I am going to try to find joy in the journey of motherhood.

But not today. Today I'm gonna cry.