To the Lady at Walmart

You know who hates shopping with kids?

No seriously, I avoid it all cost. But now that I'm home all the time and my kids are always with me, I can't do it any other way. I wait until Freddy is in school and then Cameron and I shop together. It's been fun actually. The hardest part has become the checkout line. I can't get Cameron to sit still, little stinker. But I don't blame him. It's taken at least an hour to decide what to get and now he is done. And so am I, but I still have to check out. 

Though multiple times I have thought about slipping out of the store with my goods and coming back without my children to pay. Don't do that. I was kidding.

I digress.

The other day Cameron and I were doing our weekly grocery run. Shopping has also become harder with much less to spend. I have to be careful with every purchase and unfortunately I do not have the knack or patience for couponing. So I have to take extra time and weigh what we are able to get. Do I want bananas or oranges this week? Am I willing to get the boys poptarts for their traditional Saturday pop-tart tradition or get a few extra cans for meals. It's discouraging. I hate when my kids ask for things...especially now when even if I would, I can't. But I have come to terms with it. Wants vs needs. It's a no-brainer...just humbling. 

So we're checking out and Cameron is getting impatient. The last few shopping trips, I have been able to give him this little windmill toy fan that has candy inside to entertain him while I checkout. And then I have to take it away so we can leave. One minute of crying is better than ten minutes at the checkout line. I have also come to terms with this. 

This one day, Cameron was contently playing with his windmill candy toy. (He doesn't yet know it has candy. Shhh, don't tell him!) Anyway, a sweet lady behind us was chatting with us and Cameron was "flirting" with her. He's a cutie, I tell you. You can't not smile at him. When I was ready to go, I discreetly took away the windmill candy toy. Cameron is two, so of course a tantrum followed, and I prepared for a speedy exit while waiting for my receipt to print. 

The lady behind us said, "Oh please let me get that for him. It's just a little thing." 

I shook my head. The hardest part of having so little is that I am scared of what others will think. Plus, I don't regularly give my children candy. It does crazy things to them. 

But she insisted. "Please. It will make me so happy to give it to him." 

Now many times I am frustrated when others try to spoil my kids when I am trying to teach a lesson. Like don't always give them what they want kind-of-thing. But today was different. My kids don't get spoiled enough now and I tearfully thanked the sweet lady for spending the extra...I don't know two dollars on the windmill candy toy. 

It's the little things that make my life special now. Getting the two dollars at Dunkin Donuts on T-Mobile Tuesdays and being able to share a treat with my kids. Trip to grandma's and enjoying noodles of some kind with them. Taking a walk and visiting the park. And yes, even the random act of kindness from a stranger.

Showing them that material things don't matter, but that when they come, you are grateful. Lesson learned today.

And a special thank you to the random Walmart shopper who probably had no impact of what she helped me learn. Thank you <3

#metoo

I can't help but feel a little despair as I scroll down Facebook posts of my friends and family and see the all too familiar phrase #metoo.

This #metoo was spurred by the iconic actress, Alyssa Milano, started a trend on Twitter to spread awareness of how many sexual abuse victims there really are.

People have responded in masses. Thousands and thousands of people have stepped forward, and for the first time in a lot of cases, spoken for the first time about their experiences.

Last night, I reluctantly typed my own #metoo. No one but my family, a few counselors, and a few close friends know. It's not something I talk about anymore...and this is something that I want to focus on. Those few moments in my life do not define me as a person. As I scrolled down Facebook and read post after post, I read not only the words, but also felt the sorrow, the shame, the intense anger of the victims.

The words of Moana's last great song came to mind. If you haven't actually seen this scene, I would strongly suggest you do. Allow me to share the lyrics of this one part. I feel they are especially relevant to sexual harassment and abuse victims.

I have crossed the horizon to find you
I know your name
They have stolen the heart from inside you
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f81_F16rDlI

Those moments lost from our lives...those moments do not define who we are. What does define us is how we respond to what life has dealt us. Reaching out, loving other victims, showing others more kindness than we were shown, educating. This is how we heal.

I try not to dwell on why it happened or how I could have stopped it. I was 7, and then 8, and then 9, and then 12, and then 15, and then 17, and then 21, and then....do you see? Once you have been affected, you are forever sensitive to it. But that does not define or dictate how I should live my life. You can make a difference by speaking out. By telling someone. By never allowing it to happen to anyone else.

There IS so much hate, despair, and frustration in this world. But even better, there is hope and joy and friendship. And a terrible moment in our lives does not determine how our lives turn out. No, in fact, it determines how strong we can become and how many people we can choose to reach out to. Do not let your moments define who you are and dictate how you should move forward. We move forward with hope, and I believe with a hope in Christ. Because of agency, he cannot stop someone from making their choices, but he can heal our hearts and help us become stronger than we ever though possible if we turn to Him.

Regardless if you believe that is true, there is hope. There is happiness to be found. Look for the joy. Search for it, and let go of whatever is holding you back from letting that moment define you. Because it absolutely shouldn't.

You are beautiful.
You are loved.
You are important.