I know I personally would not be a good mom if I didn't have the light of the gospel leading me. This weekend I went to an amazing women's conference where I heard uplifting speakers talk about the gospel and about mommyhood and about the trials and drudgery of daily life. The music was spectacular, the spirit was amazing, but the most profound things I learned were not said by a speaker or sung by a singer.
Back in February when I was prompted to stay at home with my children instead of
returning to work, I had so many emotions....like too many. Anger, disappointment, relief, fear, doubt, and a little bit of joy. All of my other feelings were clouding my judgement and making it very hard to want to stay at home.
In 2008, I came to Ogden to start a new life. I knew nobody and I was starting from scratch. I was hired at Venture Academy and I started to build my life around my career. I ate, worked, and slept and then repeated until Fred came into the picture. Then I opened up my world to include him. Then came Freddy and next came Cameron. Instead of rebuilding my life, I made them fit into this world I had already started for myself. Keyword being myself.
When Heavenly Father asked me to give up that world I had built, it took three years to trust in Him and actually do it. One of the greatest joys of teaching was having such a powerful influence on so many people around me. I felt influential and important. And selfishly, I did not want to lose those feel goods in my life.
In the months that have followed, I have really struggled. Really struggled. I have expressed that in previous posts but that is just the tip of the iceberg no one sees but me and my family. I have cried many nights in fear and what felt like a physical pain inside my chest. How was I ever going to make as much of a difference at home as I did at school?
Now you seasoned people already know the answers to my unanswered questions. But I was too blind in my pain to see the truth. The conference I attended this weekend has started to scratch the surface of understanding of God's plan for me.
I have alot of thoughts about it and I will share them sporadically throughout the next few weeks, but the biggest one that has stayed with me was a mommy blogger, who wanted to be a light to the world. She wanted to move mountains and be someone that people knew and followed and loved. She wanted to take literally the scripture in Matthew 5:14. "Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid."
But life made her slow down and she realized that the best way to be a light was in her own home. If you continue reading in Matthew, it says in verse 15: "Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house."
Isn't that profound? A small light can fill a room. Who are the most important people in my life? Was it the kids I taught in school 7 hours a day, five days a week, or the two small people I gave life that I saw a mere five hours a day?
This weekend was the start of me keeping in perspective what my role in the home is and what I need to do to fulfill this new journey I've been asked to take. I've never backed down from a challenge yet, but in the beginning all mountains look unimaginable to cross. Fortunately, I have faith in myself and hope in the Lord's promises that he will help me and make sure I succeed.
So with this new knowledge, I am ready to start trying a little harder. To be kinder. To be more prepared. To have the right attitude.
Mommyhood is indeed sacred.