To the Lady at Walmart

You know who hates shopping with kids?

No seriously, I avoid it all cost. But now that I'm home all the time and my kids are always with me, I can't do it any other way. I wait until Freddy is in school and then Cameron and I shop together. It's been fun actually. The hardest part has become the checkout line. I can't get Cameron to sit still, little stinker. But I don't blame him. It's taken at least an hour to decide what to get and now he is done. And so am I, but I still have to check out. 

Though multiple times I have thought about slipping out of the store with my goods and coming back without my children to pay. Don't do that. I was kidding.

I digress.

The other day Cameron and I were doing our weekly grocery run. Shopping has also become harder with much less to spend. I have to be careful with every purchase and unfortunately I do not have the knack or patience for couponing. So I have to take extra time and weigh what we are able to get. Do I want bananas or oranges this week? Am I willing to get the boys poptarts for their traditional Saturday pop-tart tradition or get a few extra cans for meals. It's discouraging. I hate when my kids ask for things...especially now when even if I would, I can't. But I have come to terms with it. Wants vs needs. It's a no-brainer...just humbling. 

So we're checking out and Cameron is getting impatient. The last few shopping trips, I have been able to give him this little windmill toy fan that has candy inside to entertain him while I checkout. And then I have to take it away so we can leave. One minute of crying is better than ten minutes at the checkout line. I have also come to terms with this. 

This one day, Cameron was contently playing with his windmill candy toy. (He doesn't yet know it has candy. Shhh, don't tell him!) Anyway, a sweet lady behind us was chatting with us and Cameron was "flirting" with her. He's a cutie, I tell you. You can't not smile at him. When I was ready to go, I discreetly took away the windmill candy toy. Cameron is two, so of course a tantrum followed, and I prepared for a speedy exit while waiting for my receipt to print. 

The lady behind us said, "Oh please let me get that for him. It's just a little thing." 

I shook my head. The hardest part of having so little is that I am scared of what others will think. Plus, I don't regularly give my children candy. It does crazy things to them. 

But she insisted. "Please. It will make me so happy to give it to him." 

Now many times I am frustrated when others try to spoil my kids when I am trying to teach a lesson. Like don't always give them what they want kind-of-thing. But today was different. My kids don't get spoiled enough now and I tearfully thanked the sweet lady for spending the extra...I don't know two dollars on the windmill candy toy. 

It's the little things that make my life special now. Getting the two dollars at Dunkin Donuts on T-Mobile Tuesdays and being able to share a treat with my kids. Trip to grandma's and enjoying noodles of some kind with them. Taking a walk and visiting the park. And yes, even the random act of kindness from a stranger.

Showing them that material things don't matter, but that when they come, you are grateful. Lesson learned today.

And a special thank you to the random Walmart shopper who probably had no impact of what she helped me learn. Thank you <3

#metoo

I can't help but feel a little despair as I scroll down Facebook posts of my friends and family and see the all too familiar phrase #metoo.

This #metoo was spurred by the iconic actress, Alyssa Milano, started a trend on Twitter to spread awareness of how many sexual abuse victims there really are.

People have responded in masses. Thousands and thousands of people have stepped forward, and for the first time in a lot of cases, spoken for the first time about their experiences.

Last night, I reluctantly typed my own #metoo. No one but my family, a few counselors, and a few close friends know. It's not something I talk about anymore...and this is something that I want to focus on. Those few moments in my life do not define me as a person. As I scrolled down Facebook and read post after post, I read not only the words, but also felt the sorrow, the shame, the intense anger of the victims.

The words of Moana's last great song came to mind. If you haven't actually seen this scene, I would strongly suggest you do. Allow me to share the lyrics of this one part. I feel they are especially relevant to sexual harassment and abuse victims.

I have crossed the horizon to find you
I know your name
They have stolen the heart from inside you
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f81_F16rDlI

Those moments lost from our lives...those moments do not define who we are. What does define us is how we respond to what life has dealt us. Reaching out, loving other victims, showing others more kindness than we were shown, educating. This is how we heal.

I try not to dwell on why it happened or how I could have stopped it. I was 7, and then 8, and then 9, and then 12, and then 15, and then 17, and then 21, and then....do you see? Once you have been affected, you are forever sensitive to it. But that does not define or dictate how I should live my life. You can make a difference by speaking out. By telling someone. By never allowing it to happen to anyone else.

There IS so much hate, despair, and frustration in this world. But even better, there is hope and joy and friendship. And a terrible moment in our lives does not determine how our lives turn out. No, in fact, it determines how strong we can become and how many people we can choose to reach out to. Do not let your moments define who you are and dictate how you should move forward. We move forward with hope, and I believe with a hope in Christ. Because of agency, he cannot stop someone from making their choices, but he can heal our hearts and help us become stronger than we ever though possible if we turn to Him.

Regardless if you believe that is true, there is hope. There is happiness to be found. Look for the joy. Search for it, and let go of whatever is holding you back from letting that moment define you. Because it absolutely shouldn't.

You are beautiful.
You are loved.
You are important.

Service Makes a Mommy Happy

Do you know one of the coolest things I have learned from staying at home? I have a lot more time to do the things I never had time for. That would seem obvious, right? But it's not how much time I had but how I have learned to use my time that is the key.

Mommies give a lot of their selves during the week. They give some of the best brain power to some of the littlest human beings earth has to offer. They also give their hands to hold, and lift, and clean, and wipe, their legs to act as a chair, a rocking horse, or any other moving creature you can think of, their voices, their hearts, their minds. We give a lot. Essentially we are serving those closest to us 24-7.

Wait, what? I love service. It buoys me up, makes me feel good, and leaves me wanting more. But, hold on. I don't feel like that every day? In fact, I feel the opposite. I feel drained, tired, annoyed sweaty, hangry, nauseous, angry even.

Not so this week. I'll try to pinpoint the exact moment as I write it, but I doubt I still understand, other than the fact that I involved my kids in serving others as well. Sorry for the journal monologue, but see if you can see a pattern...

On Monday, I babysat a friend's kid so she could go work out. Cameron got a play date...and I cleaned my house while they played.
Tuesday, I went on fieldwork with Freddy and we went on a hike. I took two other kids and Freddy. They had a blast and so did I. Cameron got to play to play with more friends while I was gone. Win, win.I also text Fred and told him not to school and we should get donuts instead. He gratefully ditched and we got 6 yummy donuts for under two bucks! (Love T-mobile Tuesday) Later that night, I taught my Self-reliance class and got to get in amazing conversation with adults. I miss that.
Wednesday I picked up a friend's kid at school. She was having a baby and brought her home and she's Freddy's "crush" in school. Another win. After naps, the boys and I walked to the park and played...beautiful day!
Thursday I signed up for childcare at the gym so I can actually go to the gym. :) Then I went to a church playgroup, ran a friend's kid to school so she could take her aunt to the airport, and we visited with family and ate dinner with aunts and grandparents. Grandparents are really grand and make life so rich!
And lastly, today, Friday, I started the day with teaching. I have signed up to tutor Chinese students at home. We meet for an hour and I attempt to teach them English. It's amazing and fun and hard. But I love teaching such respectful students. 6 AM teaching too! Then, I went to the school I taught at for nine years and volunteered in Freddy's class. I helped eight students learn more about reading, and interacted with adults! Win, win!
Tonight Fred and I are eating with family and then going to Thriller, a dance performance, and I LOVE dancing. It's gonna be awesome. And bonus, grandparents are keeping the kids so we can pretend we are just the two of us...just for the night. Did I mention grandparents are grand??
Saturday and Saturday we will attend General Conference, which is a broadcast from our church showing apostles and prophets speaking about principles of the gospel that will lead us closer to God. And that is always a really uplifting and moving experience. And of course we'll have good food with family, go for walks, and take naps, and then do all this all over starting Monday.

If you have stuck through this long expose, you'll know nothing extraordinary happened. But yet, this week has been one of the best of my full-time mommyhood. I feel balanced. I kind of went to the gym, kind of taught, kind of mommied, kind of adulted, kind of had a date, and kind of spiritually fed myself. Each night I allowed time to write and market. Each night I spent time with just Fred.

I guess instead of service, you would think a balanced life is what one needs to feel fulfilled, but I know that's not really it. As I have written this, I still know it's service. Doing things for others with no expectation in return in really what has made the difference this week. I love serving others. It feels a hole in my life I can't fill just by myself. It really helped me forget about myself and look outwardly. Those are so many people that need us. So many, and if we are constantly aware of others, we do not have time to be angry or sad or disappointed with what's not happening with us. Because every moment feels important. That service I gave to a friend to drive a friend's child to school or babysit for a mom so she could go exercise, or even when I read with a child is priceless and cannot be bought.

Have you made time in your day to serve? Have you looked around lately and thought of what little thing you could do? Stop saying no to people who ask you to give of yourself in a way you know you could. You can do it! And you won't be disappointing. The results of service is amazing. <3

Wait, What? Failure Means I'm Winning?

Can I share a few thoughts about failure? Here's some Failure 411, taken from thoughts from Wendy Ulrich and Emily Watt's presentations. 

Failure seems like such a bad word, or it did until last week. At the conference I attended, I learned a lot about failure. So much in fact, that failure no longer has the same connotation in my head. Failure is something I'm actually looking forward to.

But I hadn't. In fact, failure in motherhood made me about ready to throw in the towel. Like for reals. I went a little crazy and I'm sure Fred was pulling out his vows and questioning his sanity. I just couldn't seem to find the happy in motherhood....because it's not there. Like, literally. Reread the word motherhood and I can guarantee  the word happy is not there. But luckily, neither is failure. But really, it should be there too.

Okay, enough yapping. let me share with you what I learned about failure.

First let's talk about confidence. Because usually people that have a healthy dose of confidence also have a healthy dose of successes and failures. I am going to try to apply this in my goals to become a good mom, but of course apply it to whatever skill you are lacking.

Confidence will increase when we have these four things:
1- A plan:  What is one step you can take toward that goal? What are your deepest values and intentions?
2- A learning mindset: Skills increase our confidence. We don't get those skills unless we fail...A LOT. Practicing failure is more important than practicing perfect.

MAYBE I'M NOT FAILING! MAYBE I"M JUST LEARNING.

3- Anxiety Acceptance: Anxiety is a normal emotion. You just have to decided that anxiety is no big deal. It happens and it is okay. And fun fact, those with anxiety usually perform at a higher rate than those that have no worries at all. 
4- Trust in God and ourselves
Above all voices in our head, His is the only one that tells the truth. 

So you mean all the bad days I've had since becoming a full time mom have not been a total waste of time? You mean that in those horrible moments where I felt my motherhood should be stripped from me forcibly that I was actually on the right track toward becoming a better mommy? 

Why yes, Jenny. That's exactly what I'm saying. 

So you're saying is all I have to do is try and that I shouldn't be afraid of failing because it's gonna happen anyway. And if I am doing motherhood right, I will fail a lot.

Yes, Jenny. That's what I'm saying.

Thanks, voice inside my head. Phew, do I feel relieved. Now seriously, do you think Heavenly Father would send us out here with all these tools and then watch as we fall over and over again. Nope. That's not how He is. He is the kindest, most loving Father you can imagine, and even though he might wince when we make certain decisions, He has allowed ways to grow from our experiences, blessing us with more time and more opportunities to practice those skills....until we are confident in that one thing. And then WATCH OUT, here comes another wrench he needs us to become confident in. But hey, now we know. Know we know it's all part of the refining fire that we hate and love so much. But here's the good news. You can now look forward to the next time you fell because it means you are on your path toward perfection. 

Mommyhood is Light

I know I personally would not be a good mom if I didn't have the light of the gospel leading me. This weekend I went to an amazing women's conference where I heard uplifting speakers talk about the gospel and about mommyhood and about the trials and drudgery of daily life. The music was spectacular, the spirit was amazing, but the most profound things I learned were not said by a speaker or sung by a singer.

Back in February when I was prompted to stay at home with my children instead of 

returning to work, I had so many emotions....like too many. Anger, disappointment, relief, fear, doubt, and a little bit of joy. All of my other feelings were clouding my judgement and making it very hard to want to stay at home.

In 2008, I came to Ogden to start a new life. I knew nobody and I was starting from scratch. I was hired at Venture Academy and I started to build my life around my career. I ate, worked, and slept and then repeated until Fred came into the picture. Then I opened up my world to include him. Then came Freddy and next came Cameron. Instead of rebuilding my life, I made them fit into this world I had already started for myself. Keyword being myself.

When Heavenly Father asked me to give up that world I had built, it took three years to trust in Him and actually do it. One of the greatest joys of teaching was having such a powerful influence on so many people around me. I felt influential and important. And selfishly, I did not want to lose those feel goods in my life.

In the months that have followed, I have really struggled. Really struggled. I have expressed that in previous posts but that is just the tip of the iceberg no one sees but me and my family. I have cried many nights in fear and what felt like a physical pain inside my chest. How was I ever going to make as much of a difference at home as I did at school?

Now you seasoned people already know the answers to my unanswered questions. But I was too blind in my pain to see the truth. The conference I attended this weekend has started to scratch the surface of understanding of God's plan for me.

 I have alot of thoughts about it and I will share them sporadically throughout the next few weeks, but the biggest one that has stayed with me was a mommy blogger, who wanted to be a light to the world. She wanted to move mountains and be someone that people knew and followed and loved. She wanted to take literally the scripture in Matthew 5:14. "Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid." 

But life made her slow down and she realized that the best way to be a light was in her own home. If you continue reading in Matthew, it says in verse 15: "Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house."

Isn't that profound? A small light can fill a room. Who are the most important people in my life? Was it the kids I taught in school 7 hours a day, five days a week, or the two small people I gave life that I saw a mere five hours a day?

This weekend was the start of me keeping in perspective what my role in the home is and what I need to do to fulfill this new journey I've been asked to take. I've never backed down from a challenge yet, but in the beginning all mountains look unimaginable to cross. Fortunately, I have faith in myself and hope in the Lord's promises that he will help me and make sure I succeed.

So with this new knowledge, I am ready to start trying a little harder. To be kinder. To be more prepared. To have the right attitude.

Mommyhood is indeed sacred.

Teacher Hat vs. Mom Hat

 

          VS






Freddy started Kindergarten on Monday. Though it doesn't show, he was super excited. Today, my thoughts are all over the place. I've got my mom hat and my teacher hat on, and it's driving me crazy.

Let's talk about teaching ... because that's what I know the most about it seems. Teachers dread coming back from the summer. Yes, they love having a routine again, are excited for a new class of excited kids, and to be away from their homes where they have probably binge-watched TV all summer, done spring cleaning, or kept kids alive 2-3 long months. They're excited, renewed (hopefully), and full of "gonnas".

At the beginning of the year, every good teacher knows that routines, procedures, and practice are vital to an effective school year. On top of that, they also have to somehow build a trusting relationship with each kid, help them learn and grow, and make sure they communicate any problems to parents before said problems get bigger.

Okay, that is a very familiar, comfortable hat. I am used to giving that guidance, that critique to students and parents.

Now enters my Mom Hat. Not used to this one staying on all day, and I tell you, it's a struggle sometimes to want to keep that hat on. But before someone knocks me for having a bad attitude, I have already seem numberless blessings and positives to staying at home and being there for your children in the young years.

I was just getting used to the Mom Hat that you wear in the summer...but now I have to adjust to the Mom Hat you wear for nine months of the year. Yep, there are two Mom Hats I've discovered. Let me tell you, that 9-month hat is a little harder to want to wear. And it's only the first week of school. Here is what I have gained so far in my vast experience (3 days) wearing the 9-month Mom hat.

It stinks!

It stinks especially if you have a kid that doesn't fit into the mold of the system. It stinks especially when their school schedule severely limits what you can do with your one kid you still have at home and what you can do collectively with the two of them. You are tied down...big time. I still have to get up like any normal working person does. I still have to look decent (although I totally went to the school today looking like a mom wearing Cameron's attempt at potty training on my shirt). You have to drop everything to follow the school's system schedule and with kids, that's near to impossible to do. Early out? That's a nightmare? Running errands in between an AM class when stores don't open until 10:00....frustration! Fitting naps in? Yeah, not gonna happen. I am sure I'll figure it out. But for now, it's a thorn in my side.

And lastly, everything that your child does reflects on you.  Sure, your child has to be responsible sometime, but not when they're five. That falls on the mom. Always. Teachers rarely blame dads...at least not to their face...because that is the mom's "responsibility".

I'm not gonna lie. Freddy struggles with sitting still. He's FIVE. He also is screen addicted and that plays into why learning activities can't keep his attention. (Yes, I do limit his screen time). But today when I picked him up at school, mind you...still third day....he had already gotten a walk-out with the teacher. You know what I mean....the teacher walks the kid to the car holding the kid's hand. Yeah, one of those.

Now before anyone says anything, this is no reflection on his teacher. I have worked with his kindergarten teacher long enough that I know she's good. She's excellent even and has a tough job. I even consider her a close friend. Maybe that's why this is a little harder to swallow. I go from Collegue/Friend Hat with her to Freddy's Mom Hat. Hard to take. Not that I don't want to know about Freddy...because I do. Just hard to take.

So here is what I've learned in all this hat business, and hopefully I remember these lessons when I return to my Teacher Hat...the moms who really do try and want their kids to succeed really take that feedback personally. I want Freddy to succeed in school more than I want to be a good mom. I want his teacher to reach him like I can't. I want someone to love him despite how naughty he can be.

And here's the Teacher Hat again...it's literally impossible for teachers to do this with all students every day....or even every week.

Here is the big revelation I've had about this whole hat business.

NO ONE is gonna love your kid like you can. No one is going to care how much they succeed like you will. Sure, grandma and auntie will claim they love him as much, but when they are tired and food-deprived and ready to send the boys home and be done, only moms can take over then.

No one can be a better mom to my boys than I can.

And that, my friends, is my two cents about mommying today.

Technology is the Killer of Mom Dreams

Today seems rougher than before. I don't want this blog to turn into a whine fest, so I'll just leave it at that. Today it will just be one of the biggest challenges I have as a mom.

The boys got a playground set from Mimi and Papa and was much needed because we have nothing in the backyard...nothing. Don't judge my grass. I know it's dead. I care more about the doors that won't close correctly in my house more than I care about dead grass. (There are five to be exact that won't close.) Some perspective for you. Papa put the swing set up before we left for Texas, and yesterday was the first time they actually played on it for more than five minutes. It is somewhat of a relief to have something for them to play with in the backyard. Going places has been nice at times, but I'm worn out of going places.

It's a lot of trucking around when you've got babies that don't know how to buckle themselves or even open the car door for that matter. But seriously, after ten minutes of playing, Freddy was bored. Of course Cameron loved it and didn't want to come inside, but that's the difference between my boys. You gotta love that they had no interest in actually swinging, only hanging off of them facing opposite ways.

Freddy is totally content to sit on the couch and watch TV for hours, but by the first hour, Cameron is done. Some parents might think having a child like Freddy is a dream. He sits quietly, watches show after show, but his inability to play really bothers me. I would much rather he be interested in playing in his room for hours, reading books, wanting to dig in the dirt. Everything Cameron loves to do. But instead, if the TV is not on, he is continuously asking me when it's going to be on. I do monitor the time the boys watch TV, but if he earns it through do learning activities, how can I keep it away? He is starting to play better in his room now that I have literally forced him to be in there with a "Don't come out here again" speech.

I don't get it. I used to love to play when I was little. You couldn't keep me inside unless one of my favorite Disney shows were on...but even then, I wasn't obsessed with watching them. I'd rather be swimming, climbing trees, playing with friends, etc, than cooped up inside.

(Probably why I am going a little bonkers) Yes, I know what you're thinking....then get outside and do things. That is harder than it sounds. Packing a bag sufficient for keeping my TV addicted kid interested, a bag of snacks to keep my food-obsessed other little kid happy, and then trucking them around from place to place, only to have them scream and yell and embarrass you in front of strangers you never cared about before until now. One's a terrible two...and the other is still asking when the TV will go on once we get home. See my dilemma? I know it's a different generation of kids, one more addicted to technology than ever before, but it really keeps moms inside and drives us nuts.

Last week when we drove to Texas with my dad, I made the mistake of bringing the TV for him to watch. I mentioned at the beginning of the trip that we would not watch a movie for the 20 hours we were trapped together in that tiny car. No, no, no.

But do you know, Mother Nature was not on my side most of the trip. Instead of wanting to look out the window at the majestic beauty of this earth, Freddy refused and looked down at his feet instead, just to be obstinate. We eventually had to start timing him. Ten minutes of looking out the window at nature for every movie. I know, it was pathetic...and now that mom-guilt is settling in thick. But seriously, I didn't get it. This kid was/is nothing like me. I love looking out the window and seeing the desert landscape....minus a few hours of Texas with nothing but ineffective windmills and oil rigs. Where did I go wrong in my raising Freddy that he is so heavily addicted to technology? I can't keep it away from him.

And the sad thing is, he behaves better when technology is on the line...and that breaks my heart a little bit. Cameron on the other hand could look out the window all day...singing and chatting to himself. He really is a cute little bug.

So I guess what I am saying is, technology really kills the dreams of what you have for your kids. You want them to grow up intelligent, intuitive, creative, full of energy, and driven. For one of my kids, technology sucks the life right out of him, and I will forever have to vigilant that Freddy wins that battle against himself. Any tips are welcome, but realize we do limit the time they spend...but I'm also not a perfect mom.